I’m pretty good at controlling my emotions, I think emotions can cloud your judgement. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes emotions can help in decision making – but you need to know how to read your emotions and couple them with rational cognitive processes.
I have been working non-stop since May, since I moved back to Zambia, working two high-level jobs, and it’s really beginning to take it’s toll. Thankfully, it has yet to affect my decision-making, it might have slowed it down a bit, but I’m still managing to make decisions that work and are effective.
But where I’m beginning to slip is on the personal side. We tend to be a bit more lax when it comes to our personal life I suppose, we take too much for granted.
I’m happy with Mr Mature but… It’s nothing to do with him, it’s all me. It’s times like this when I wonder if I can be in a relationship. Maybe it’s because I am from a large family, maybe it’s because I was never the IT girl at school, maybe it’s because… I don’t know, but I’ve never been the one who stands out in the crowd. I never thought this really bothered me. I guess that’s the price you pay for excelling in your professional life (if I do say so myself), you focus so much on that one side and ignore that the personal side is slipping.
It was only when I started to question wanting more out of my life that I realised that actually, balance is really important in life. We can work as hard as we want to but if we can’t be special to at least one person, what are we doing it all for?
Don’t get me wrong, I get a lot of satisfaction from my work, maybe because it’s not all superficial but can hopefully impact someone’s life for the better, it has meaning to it. But let’s be honest, we all have an ego that we serve. Ok maybe ego isn’t the word I’m looking for. I’ve never felt that I needed to have a thanks for what I’ve done, or a pat on the back or whatever, in fact, I always thought that if you needed the thanks then you weren’t doing the ‘thing’ (work/good deed/whatever it was that culminated in a thanks) because you wanted to, because you got satisfaction out of doing it. But, like I’ve said before, when you are constantly giving – mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, etc – you find that you are actually giving of your soul. And if you think of your soul as a cup, you can’t keep emptying the cup without refilling it.
But getting back to being special to someone, isn’t this ultimately how we want to feel? The only problem with this is that you then look for something outside of yourself. When you look for something outside of your self, you are pretty much setting yourself up for failure.
I’m by no means being cynical about this, I just think that we can not find true happiness until we find it within ourselves. I don’t buy into this whole ‘you complete me’ thing, like we are incomplete without someone else. Yet, I do kind of understand it. Something in you sometimes feels like you’re missing something, or someone, maybe. Is this a real feeling?
I have definitely felt it. I fight it because I can’t control it, and it can make you feel lonely, and who wants to be lonely?
So when you meet someone who has lived a good part of his life without you, how do you add something it to make you special in his life? Though I guess the same could be said in the reverse… Sometimes I forget there are two people in a relationship, and both of you have to work at keeping each other happy, keep each other feeling special.
Well, developing this new area of my life, the area of attempting to be special in someone’s life, might be part of my quest to find my personal legend. We shall see – I’m being optimistic here!
(and the vulnerability of tiredness means your guard is lowered and you think about these things in more detail – setting yourself up to hurt and be sensitive!)