A friend of mine has recently decided to throw in the towel with her seven year marriage because her husband didn’t make her feel special. I do simplify the issue, yes there were some very real reasons why the marriage didn’t work, and while people (her family, his family) would have preferred if, like other married women, she shipikishered (endured) it boiled down to that very simple issue.

I may not be an expert on love but I’m certainly an expert on heartache. I do believe relationships are hardwork – like anything worth having – but I do think the benefits must outweigh the hardwork. What is the point of putting in the effort and time to just feel miserable at the end of it all? While on the surface my friend and her husband seemed happy, the effort she was putting in to keep her marriage was eating away at her until she realised that she wasn’t being ‘rewarded’ for this effort with the love, respect, and affection she wanted and deserved.

I think it takes a strong person to leave a relationship that isn’t working. After all, it’s in our nature to want to be loved. But deep down when you’re not feeling special or fulfilled, all you’re feeling is miserable, unappreciated and empty.

Call me a hopeless romantic but I do believe that when you care about someone, you consider them and their feelings. You change (as difficult as it is) to make them happy, not because it’s important to you, but because it’s important to them. It’s the little things that count I think.

I’m beginning to understand the benefits of getting into a relationship when you are a whole person. What I mean is that you need to know who you are, what is important to you and what isn’t. I think, especially as women, we ignore the problems in our relationship because the man makes us ‘happy’. We ignore that that happiness is short-lived, if you’re only happy when you’re together but spend most of your time apart, is that enough to sustain a relationship?

We tend to fight for things long after we know that thing is broken or is not meant to be, rather than ask ourselves the simple question, am I happy?

Maybe I am simplifying it again. When asking yourself that question, put it in context. I do believe happiness is a state of ‘being’, which means that at any given moment you can be happy or unhappy depending on the situation. But I refer to the question of am I happy in this relationship? Am I happy with who I am in this relationship? Let’s not forget we tend to become different people to accommodate someone else in our life/relationship. I believe we should become a better version of ourselves, but if you don’t like what you see when you look honestly in the mirror then you shouldn’t ignore that. But back to the questions. Ask yourself, does this person have my best interest in mind? Does this person try to make me happy? Does he listen to me, does he put me first when he can?

Communication is key, be honest with yourself, and be honest with your partner. If one person is unhappy in the relationship, sooner or later there will be two unhappy people. Address it when you can, to nip it in the bud, and if it doesn’t work out, don’t be sad to move on. Take those lessons with you to find true happiness. Seven years later, my friend said, ‘life is too short to be unhappy’. We know this, yet we tend to think life is longer than it really is. Be happy.

Sometimes I feel stuck in the middle. I sort of fell into what I do because I felt we (young people, my sisters etc) could make a difference in the lives of other young people – specifically young women who were getting pregnant and kicked out of school – that archaic rule that said pregnant girls could not stay in school (despite only having sex ed in the 12th grade!). So my sisters and I coupled that desire to help educate our peers with our passion for writing – or perhaps we’d watched too much Press Gang! – and formed Youth Media, soon followed up by our first publication Trendsetters.

Soon after I learnt about the enter-educate approach – using entertainment to educate your audience. It makes sense – who doesn’t love watching an entertaining programme, or reading an interesting magazine, if you can use those channels to educate people then even better. And when you think about it, they’ve been doing this for years! I learnt a lot of what I know from TV! Law and Order has taught me loads about the legal system (even if not all of it is relevant to Zambia, but you’d be surprised how much is).

Trendsetters was set up in that way. It was a magazine that appealed to young people, dealt with their issues, but also weaved in sexual and reproductive health messages into the different articles. But it wasn’t that simple, there were other factors that made young people make the risky decisions they were making. Yes education was a large part of it, but like all people, young people take many emotional, physical, spiritual and other considerations when making a decision. A huge part that we found played a roll in the harmful decisions young people made was the lack of self-esteem. The mission of Trendsetters became to empower young people to become responsible citizens that made healthy decisions in all aspects of their life.

Trendsetters became a definitive guide for being a young person in Zambia. Since we stopped publishing it (for reasons not worth mentioning here), there has been no publication that has met the needs of young people.

I eventually moved on to work for MTV – creating TV programmes to reach young people globally with HIV prevention messages. In my eight years there we produced a TV film, a couple of drama series, talk shows, documentaries, forums etc.

It was amazing to work with some of the most creative and talented people in the world. I loved every minute of it and learnt so much from them. But what frustrated me, and to some extent the creatives as well, was the clients thinking they were the creatives and telling the producers, directors, writers etc how to do their jobs.

Funnily enough, it never happened the other way. The creatives were pretty grounded with knowing they knew what they knew but were in no way experts at developing an HIV project for young people in rural towns (as an example). I soon realised that I needed to take the middleman role – understanding both sides of the coin – unfortunately it did mean I had to sacrifice what I thought was my passion and instead manage relationships and expectations.

It does get a bit frustrating. On one hand, I do understand why the HIV programme managers wanted to ensure that all the messages were delivered correctly, there has been enough examples of mass media gone wrong. But it also kind of disrespects the creatives. They need to be left alone to do their craft and what they’re good at – creating TV programs to appeal to audiences and keep them engaged and tuned in regularly.

If you put too much of the social good stuff to a script and lose the drama, no one wants to watch a pro-social drama series. But give me ER, Law and Order, Girlfriends, Grey’s Anatomy – all popular shows that have managed to weave in social health messages. It’s about finding the balance. What I’ve seen that works is creating the stories first and then slotting in the sexual health messages. Because let’s face it, sexual health is very much a part of our lives, whether we acknowledge it or not.

There is a place for the SRH programme managers and that’s as consultants. But they are not yet producers, scriptwriters or directors, so should give those experts the opportunity to do what they do, after all, they wouldn’t like it if someone less qualified that them told them what to do would they?

Until then the middlemen like myself will continue to exist, people who understand both sides of the table and ensure everyone gets what they need without frustrating the other. Or there is another way.

At Media 365 we have a process we follow to try to avoid these problems – called Blueprint 365. This is the process we follow to ensure that we know exactly what the clients what before we go and produce anything and based on what the clients tell us – so even as clients, they really need to know what they’re trying to achieve – and we develop it the best way we know how. This is why I believe in starting with the end in mind. What is it that you’re trying to do? You keep asking yourself this question at every stage of the project or programme development to make sure it’s all tying in to the end goal. The inception report that we develop outlines exactly what the key messages are, and what the process is for developing storylines, characters etc. Once these processes are signed off, we can go ahead and create the programme, giving the clients milestone moments for approval – but they also know they only have a certain number of times for feedback or they are charged for additional hours and of course we no longer guarantee the deadline will be met. The reality is that when you don’t plan properly, it is easy to change the goalposts and ultimately someone has to pay for that.

Another organisation that I admire and who definitely keeps the creatives and the programme managers separate is Hollywood Health and Society. They get all the information they need from the programme managers, or might even get in the programme managers to debrief the script writers of some of Hollywood’s biggest shows – like the ones I mentioned above – once the brief is over, the scriptwriters do their thing. The result of the debrief is only seen when the show airs. Of course this is slightly different because the development agency puts no money into the production of the show, when they are paying the production costs they do want to ensure it delivers on all the messages they paid for. But if you remember what I said in the beginning, it’s not that simple. The issues as well as humans, are much more complex than what can be told in a 44 minute programme.

Seeing the holistic picture is much more important. There is only so much a TV show is going to do, and then what? This is really where the programme managers expertise should be focused on. How do we ensure that the information learned from the TV show translates into action? What are the services to support this? If we’re telling people to get tested, where can they get tested? Are the service providers aware that there is a campaign that will push them to get tested? Is there a mechanism for the audience to find more information etc. These are not questions or issues that the scriptwriter or producer will concern themselves with – they are focussed on creating an compelling story that will make the audience think and hopefully reconsider preconceived notions. But programme managers should be thinking about these additional elements if they want their programme to be successful – and not whether the adults (who aren’t even the target audience) think that a love scene is too sexy and if a character could give a (unnatural) public service announcement in their script!

There is a way programme managers and creatives can work together in harmony and that’s by respecting each others roles and working together on the big picture. I look forward to hopefully seeing this work in 2012!

I can hardly believe that it’s been almost six months since I started seeing Mr Mature, as I don’t have the best track record of choosing men, I’ve had my fair share of cheaters, liars, dogs, bad boys, commitment phobes, you name the problem man, I’ve probably dated him. And I use the term dating, loosely! My longest mutually monogamous relationship probably lasted all of three months. Going in with Mr Mature, I didn’t really know what I wanted, but I knew it was nice to have this attractive, intelligent, successful, kind man want to be with me. However, I was also wary that he was into me purely for my young, seductive appeal – I tend to lean more towards sexy than beautiful in men’s eyes.

Months later, we’re still together and dare I say ‘in love’? But it’s definitely not without its challenges. I think while there is definite positives for dating at an older age, when you know yourself better, have more confidence, higher self-esteem etc, it does mean that you come with your own share of baggage from failed relationships, traumas, pre-conceived ideas of what a relationship should be and even a level of stubborness as you’re used to your own life, your way and nothing else.

Sometimes it’s easier to throw in the towel and keep on stepping until you find the perfect match. But then you ask yourself if such a think exists, without putting any work into it? Think about everything in life, what has come to you without you having to put any effort and work into it?

I am a big believer in communication – Mr Mature isn’t great at communicating, which is scary at times, but I think he hears me. One thing he always says to me is don’t change for me, don’t do stuff just to please me. As women, I think it’s too easy for us to compromise to please our partners, but when you are constantly compromising then you get miserable and unhappy. Relationships are a two way street, both partners have to make an effort, and while I don’t advocate in constantly banging your peeves to your partner, I do think that if something bothers or hurts you, you have to speak up about it. Sometimes your partner doesn’t even know that that’s how you’re feeling.

What I’ve found particularly difficult is divorcing my past (baggage and issues) from this relationship. It’s not that it ever crosses my mind to think that he’s unfaithful – though in Zambia, that would hardly be surprising, and even he thinks that I think he’s up to no good because of his lack of communication at times, but that’s not it at all. I think as women we tend to know our partners are cheating, we just choose to ignore it, so that isn’t the thing I worry about – plus unlike previous relationships, I never went into it thinking he would cheat!

But it’s other things, and I feel that sometimes I let my past experience determine my present. In 2012, I do want to put the baggage behind me and remember that the present is a gift and (just another cliche for effect), life is too short to be miserable. I know I have a good man, and I’m pretty sure he knows he has a good woman, will we last? Who knows, but it’s more important to love for today. You also can’t live your life being scared of another failed relationship – though it does make me laugh that he thinks my ‘independence’ is what has kept me from a deep, meaningful relationship! – I will continue to communicate and if that freaks him out or becomes too much for him, so be it, it just means we weren’t met to be. It will hurt, but it won’t kill or break me.

Love and relationships should be fun, should make you grow as a person, not make you sad, miserable and break you down. If it does, then you need to ask yourself why are you in that relationship? Remember, another person does not define who you are as a person, they might help make you a better person, but only a better person of who you already are. Love you more than you love anyone else, so that you can give healthy love to another.

Love and peace in 2012 – I wish you all the best and happiness – for all of us!

The biggest prevention message is ‘use a condom’, and it has been since the beginning of the epidemic – bar a few years when the US pushed the abstinence message big time. But 30 years later, that message still isn’t really being picked up on, many people are still not wearing condoms.

I was having a conversation with my significant other, and one of my girlfriends (not at the same time), when I was analyzing why people don’t like to use condoms despite knowing the dangers of unprotected sex. There are probably many reasons why people don’t use condoms, but what I was interested in was the emotional side of it. When you’re in a relationship you don’t want to use condoms because one of the condom messages that does stick in our minds is that condoms can prevent diseases.

So when you’re in a relationship, you wonder if you’re using condoms does that mean that you’re not special? Does the person not trust you? Or what is he/she hiding that they insist on condom use?

This is obviously the emotional side of your brain asking these questions because the rational one knows that actually, it’s a really responsible thing to do. Yeah you can get tested, but as I’ve seen in my last few months in Zambia, it’s easy to have other relationships outside of your main relationship and that’s acceptable. So you may be chilling thinking you’re all good and your man or woman only ‘eats’ at home, not knowing, or not wanting to believe that there is a side dish out there.

Recently I heard about a couple who were both cheating, yet when the wife found out her husband was in a long-term relationship with someone else, she was outraged saying how she needed to take an HIV test. I didn’t want to point out that she too had been playing outside the marital bed, and in fact almost thought she was pregnant – meaning she was not using condoms, so really she had put her husband at as much risk as he’d put her at.

I think when people are doing these prevention messages they really need to think about the audience and how they are receiving those messages. The condom message as is is fine for casual sex, or a regular sex partner, but when you’re in a steady relationship, it needs to address the emotional side of using a condom too.

I feel we need to turn condoms from being a ‘dirty’ thing to something that isn’t shrouded in distrust but to something that gives you peace of mind, which equals more pleasurable sex. Maybe messages should focus on your partner’s other sexual partners, we’ve all dated partners who have dated questionable people, if you think you are indirectly sleeping with that person when you don’t use a condom, maybe it’ll make you think twice about not using one!

It does mean that other than making generic ads on condom use, you have to really segment your audience and address their emotional, financial, and physical needs. It does mean that people have to invest more dollars into mass media prevention campaigns. But isn’t that how you will achieve impact at scale? It makes me laugh how so many development agencies want to be ‘like the cool brands’ and launch a ‘brand’ or copy a technique used by popular brands, but ignore the fact that these so-called cool brands spend a hell of a lot of money on their R&D and more importantly, their advertising campaigns. If an HIV prevention campaign had half the advertising budget of say Apple of Coca Cola and left it to the experienced ad agencies to develop the campaign for them (that’s another pet gripe, for another blog post), I’m sure they would get some traction. But thinking that you can run a mass media campaign for a year to reach millions of people and throw less than even a $100k is a bit of a joke if you ask me. But now I’m digressing to my other blog post (for another time).

Another message that I think has not helped is the get tested message, certainly in Zambia. I sat through a message design meeting – if that’s the right word – for one of our clients as they asked us to develop a spot for them that would get people to go for an HIV test. I innocently asked, ‘why should people get tested?’ – It’s common in putting across a message to communicate the benefits of the action you want people to take. However, I was met with a look of disbelief, like what’d I’d said was either sacrilegious or the stupidest thing they’d ever heard. To be their answer was what was shocking, ‘because research shows that if you go on treatment early you can have a longer life’ or something like that – basically, they meant that because when you tested positive you could access treatment and care. Which is obviously great and useful information to know, but if someone told me that if I was personally asking why I should go to get tested, then I’d immediately assume that to take a test means finding out you’re HIV positive.

Unfortunately that is how the message has been communicated for too long. People forget that there are more people who are not infected than they are infected. Knowing your status should be about taking control of your life.

That’s another interesting debate as my brother, and creative director at Media 365, says that that is also a problem message in itself because a lot of people in Zambia don’t actually believe they can take control of their life. Again that’s another blog post, I won’t digress.

My point is we need to do the remix on some of these messages, or at least upgrade them to reflect the realities on the ground, understand how they are perceived and look at people’s motivating factors to adopt these safe behaviours and then flood the market with them. These are my thoughts today when we ask, why 30 years after the first case of HIV, still an overwhelming 2.7million people were newly infected in 2010.

In between I’ve been working like crazy at my own company, about to launch a new TV show that I’m really excited about, while also managing new aspects of the Shuga project in Kenya. Crazy, stressed and hectic is how my life has been recently. Needless to say I’m exhausted. But my brain won’t quit, probably the reason I’m wide awake now, as I think about the multitude of things that need to be done – rolling out the media buy for the Brothers for Life campaign in Zambia, developing the new timeline for Shuga’s new components, writing reports to clients, casting for our show, oh and did I mention we’re about to sign on two new clients in Zambia – one to be the biggest that we’ve ever had. Not to mention when I find time in my spare time, I co-manage (marketing only) one of Zambia’s hottest artists. It’s exciting stuff but not for the lazy that’s for sure.

Last weekend we were doing our first open auditions for presenters we were looking for, for a new young and hip show we’re doing. I was less than happy with the results. It made me question what is going on with ‘our youth’ of today. I remember when I was 17 I had already launched an organisation with my sister and we were planning our first edition of Trendsetters. I researched everything I needed to do before going down that path – knowing that print journalism wasn’t something I knew about, but I read magazines to find a style that worked for me and for what we were looking for for the magazine. This seemed to be a foreign concept to the people that came to the auditions.

But I don’t entirely blame them, as my friend wrote in his blog, mediocrity has long been accepted as a way of life in Zambia. While I agreed with his post, I also thought it was a cop out. As an individual you can choice not to fall into that category and certainly not to accept it – which is what I strive to do in my life. These kids that came to audition should not have looked at our national broadcasting channel and thought that was all there was to presenting. Knowing that this is a show for young people, and that we were looking for young, dynamic, full of energy type of people, they should have looked for references to imitate. At one point in the interviews, the judges, including myself, got fed up and literally told people to leave if they were going to come in with low energy and no confidence. Yeah I know that’s mean considering I can be low energy, but hey, I wasn’t auditioning!

The truth that a lot of them spoke about was the lack of opportunities for them, opportunities to nurture their talent, and while presenting might not have been their strong point, some of them could kill it with their singing! But we weren’t doing Zambia’s Got Talent. Though some did have access to DSTV to see international shows like Oprah and Tyra (not really the style we were looking for), the majority of them watch local shows, which frankly, are still in the 80s. This was their only reference point. This was a clear indication that the media in Zambia needs to switch it up, provide new ideas and inspiration to young people. Not to toot our own horns, but nothing is around to do this the way Trendsetters did.

In Kenya, I met a group of young people taking part in our Shuga Rising Stars mentorship programme. They basically get the opportunity to work with the some of the core people across the Shuga initiative from the award-winning director, to the marketing people, through to the public health partners. As I’m a strong believer in mentorships, myself being mentored by Aaqil Ahmed and having my own mentee, I thought this was an amazing opportunity for anyone on this project to be a part of. In a hard to break into industry like the media/creative field, this was an opportunity these young people couldn’t pay to be a part of it.

But after sitting with them, and I did think they were lovely, I just didn’t get the sense they understood the magnitude of what they were a part of. Sure, they recognized they got some great contacts and learnt some new skills, but I wasn’t sure if they could see how it could fit into the big picture of where they were trying to go. OK, me and my I’ll give you my advice even if you didn’t ask for it self did share my thoughts on how they could really own this opportunity and make it work for them. Though, after our one hour talk and I asked them if they had any questions – again, not to be more than who I am, but I’ve also been in the game awhile, not everyone has access to my knowledge (did that really come out as conceited as I think? Insert smiley face) – I was a little disappointed that they didn’t have any questions. I’m not one to give up on young people who are determined to make it in their careers, so shared my contacts for them to reach out to me whenever they wanted to. I don’t see why everyone has to go through the hard work unnecessarily, if someone can help you out, that’s why I believe in giving back, each generation has to do better than the one before right? I do believe that, but I’m not getting much hope of that with the young people I’ve met in my six odd months in Africa so far.

I won’t give up on them, without seeing what role I can play – like everyone else – to continue to develop Africa and nurture great talent coming out of the continent. I hope the work I do in Kenya and Zambia will impact them and see new directors, writers, marketers and more coming out of the continent, along with our more traditional career options of educators, doctors, lawyers etc.

I’ve been up for more hours than I’d like to think of and my alarm just went off, so I may as well get up, hit the gym and watch the sun rise over the city of Nairobi.

Until next time.

I remember when I was a young person (well, obviously I mean when I was younger) living in Lusaka, I saw things around me that moved me. Things that I thought weren’t fair or right and that I could do something about it. I remember when we marched for peace – there was a handful of us, maybe 20 odd people, if that, but we marched anyway, can’t remember the circumstances but I remember marching to what is now Memorial Park, with our little banner and our blue ribbons for peace!

Soon after, at the young age of 17, my sisters and I (through our then non-governmental organisation Youth Media), with some other people (slightly older) started Zambia’s first magazine for young people – Trendsetters. We dubbed Trendsetters as the definitive guide for being young in Zambia. The premise of the magazine was to address the issues that was critical for the development of us young people, to be healthy, responsible and contribute to the development of our nation. The core theme was on HIV and AIDS, as the country, indeed the whole continent, at the time was ‘burning’ as it were, with the spread of HIV, the silence around it and the high levels of infections, and little or no treatment available for those infected.

Six month after it was launched it won an award from the Population Council, for Best Team Reporting Effort – an award previously won by CNN. Chuffed we were indeed. Trendsetters went on to have spin off products such as Trendsetters School, for a younger in-school audience, and Trendsetters Radio. Youth Media also launched another initiative called Children’s Press Bureau – an initiative that trained children to be journalists and got them working alongside trained journalists in the national media, it was an adaptation of an initiative already being done by Save the Children. After 10 years in existence Youth Media shut down – there are rumours abound about what happened, and soon we shall reveal the truth but until then…

Five siblings in total worked at Youth Media at one time or another. I guess our love of media, behaviour change, social change (if you will), was firmly cemented and that’s how four of us went on to set up Media 365.

And now I look around at the young people I know, including my nieces and nephews, and not only do they not really care about what is going on around them, but they all aspire to be models, actors, rappers, or something else that they think will get them rich quick. When will someone tell kids that those successful people in the entertainment industry really are the minority?

At the same time, I wouldn’t mind them wanting to be all this and more, if I thought they were truly passionate about it. But they never read – it’s escaped my nephew that one thing that stands out about the great rappers is their skills with words – they don’t watch classics, my other niece thinks watching Nollywood will hone her craft. Sigh. The other day my other niece decided she wanted to be a gospel rapper, ‘oh like Kirk Franklin?’ I questioned her. Her response, ‘Who?’. Oh my.

We live on a farm, off a long dusty road, and the current temperature in Lusaka is about 37 degrees, while the kids were on holiday, I tried to spark an entrepenuerial spirit in them – well they weren’t reading so I figured they could do a side hustle. I suggested they make flavoured ice lollies to sell to people on the road. Nope, they weren’t having it, the profit margins were too small they said.

Two of my nephews are amazingly talented when it comes to drawing, so I suggested they create the label for my parent’s (their grandparents) diary business. Nope, they can’t be arsed to do that either.

After dinner, dad has recently being sharing early independence day stories – this is really stuff that insiders know, dad served in some pretty high positions during those days – you can’t get the kids to get away from the table any faster. They’d rather watch the latest videos on MTV.

I use my family as an example, but I tend to find a lot of young people here to be like that. It’s amazing that it was young people that forced a change of government in Zambia – hmmm wonder if the song Donchi Kubeba really was the driving force. Kids just wanted to party!

Ok, it was probably more my generation of young people than the 18-25 (I think I have the generation definition right) who led that ‘revolution’ but those 23 and under, sheesh! I don’t know. So I really hope this new project we’re working on will help to inspire these kids and show them that they can be anything they want to be but it requires hardwork and education – not necessarily the formal kind. I’m really excited about it and give the Creative Director – my brother – a tight timeline to deliver on! Well time waits for no man!

In the meantime, do Like the Trendsetters page on facebook. Thank you! Oh yeah and my title of this post is slightly misleading isn’t it?

The last few months have been full of learnings, both good and bad, but on this day, I feel like I have a lot to appreciate, I’ve learnt a lot and I still have so much to look forward to.

Today, we had some family friends over to visit my dad, and I was so happy when I heard him tell them that he had accepted that he has cancer.

I think the cancer diagnosis was hard on all of us, but even though it’s still early days as he still does more and more tests to figure out the best treatment options for him, I’m happy that he isn’t letting him get down.

At his age (70 something), he has lost a good number of his friends and he says he is grateful to have lived as long as he has. Which is such a great and positive attitude to have, but I hope it doesn’t meant that he won’t fight his disease anyway. As annoying as he sometimes can be, I’m definitely grateful to spend these days with him, especially now as he opens up to his life during Kaunda days and before independence – he actually is enjoying having a captive audience these days. Though sometimes I worry about him giving his opinion willy nilly. Right now the country seems to be split – you’re either PF or you’re not. The point of an opposition hasn’t fully sunk in to everyone – but that’s a side bar.

I digress. My father’s illness has been one challenge. The other challenge has been running our business Media 365. I don’t think there is anything more rewarding than owning your own business, especially if it’s something you are passionate about (though can be equally rewarding to work for a company that is unlike anything else ). But it is no easy feat! It comes with all sorts of challenges and sometimes I feel like I’m out of my depth – my almost complete MBA did not prepare me for this! Just when you think you can’t swim any longer and it might be time to sink, something comes up that makes it all worth it.

I’m so excited about the new opportunities that have come our way and that in the next few months will really test us but will be the beginning of a very exciting path for us. The thing that stands out to me about our business is that we don’t just care about the money (though we do want to make it) but we truly love what we do. We have been blessed with the ability to follow our dreams, and now it’s just about putting in the hard work to make it reality. And boy is it hardwork!

I’m also learning to put myself first now, for real, I know I say it all the time, but I do think I’m getting there. Slowly but I’m definitely getting there. It’s about learning to prioritise your needs and getting people to work around that – no more guilt trips for me! The reality is that I’ve been able to work this hard and get to where I am in just over eight years, then why haven’t you? We all have the same opportunities – in different forms, but opportunities nonetheless – so what have you done with them? We’re all born with some talent or another, how have you used them to your advantage? Only you can determine how you shape your life, don’t think the world owes you anything, because it doesn’t. And frankly, neither do I. I just made the decision that other people’s problems are not my priorities, as adults you make the decisions in your life and you must live with the consequences of those decisions.

I’ve also learnt when it comes to family that perhaps not everyone’s priorities are the same, and I can’t blame people for doing their own thing, but I’m also not going to be the glue to hold it together. You either want to do it, or you don’t. That’s just how I see it. Anyone with a (large) family will know what I’m talking about, whether it’s emotional support, financial support, or just communicating with your family.

I’ve also learnt to let go and just relax, not always analysis everything or need a definitive plan for where my life and areas in my life are going. This is really working well with Mr Mature, 4 months strong and I couldn’t be happier. It’s a huge learning curve, but like he says, we’re both learning, so we take each day as it comes and just see where it leads. I can honestly say, I’ve never been in a relationship like this before and that’s a good thing. For now, I’m just going with the flow.

On this independence day I also vowed to myself that I will get my financial goals in check and really begin to work on them. Paying off my debt and building my house will be my biggest priorities. I’ve already got some plans in mind for my house – it’s not going to be my dream house just yet – maybe if I ever get married that will be my project with my man – but for now, it will be something that I can call my own – and that Mr Mature can spend the night at, because sneaking him into my parents house would not be cool! My worry is that the rainy season is coming soon, so I have to work fast – at least get the foundation done. So fingers crossed I get all my cash in hand in the next few weeks (hope springs eternal!).

Right now, I feel like I’m in a good place. I might not be in the best place financially but emotionally, I think I am. And sooner or later, the finances will come together too! For now, I’m enjoying the moment and living in the present – it is the gift of today!

Have a great week ahead and don’t feel bad to put yourself first. You do matter!

But if you recall in one of my previous blogs I commented on how there seems to be an weird vibe of fear to speak out against the new government and everyone wants to look to be supporting the government, so when I read this blog, I thought, wow, how timely, how relevant. So wanted to share it with you all. The original post can be found at www.cliveshamwana.blogspot.com

Fear from the Maddening Crowd

From a very early age I remember being told by mum, never to repeat anything I heard at home to anyone outside the family, because careless talk got you into trouble. Everyone was at pains to avoid giving any kind of political opinion openly, but when you forgot yourself and started to say something ‘controversial’ in public, a good friend would say “Ssh, Bwembya is behind you, he’s a Government informant”. It was commonplace for dad to come home in the evening and over dinner recount a story of how he was called to this Police station or that Prison, to represent a client who had been ‘ picked up ‘ because the opinions he expressed were contrary to those of the party. Whispering in dark corners and big ears straining to overhear conversations, became a part of daily life. ‘Shush, Shush, Shush’ was such a part of everyday speech, that the State Intelligence Services and informants in general became known as ‘ShuShuShu’. The joke became that if you wanted to get a message to KK, you didn’t bother writing a letter to State House, you just spent a couple hours at Lusaka golf club and said your peace. There were enough ‘friends’ and straining ears around eager to report any interesting conversations to State House, hoping to curry favour with KK.

The Mulungushi Reforms and the Matero Declaration was a watershed, after which the State controlled 80% of Zambia’s economy. This meant that ones ability to obtain jobs and promotions depended less and less on merit and more and more on ones blind commitment to the party. With every passing day, the oppressive control by Government began permeating every aspect of the daily lives of Zambians. It soon became necessary to produce your party membership card, your National registration card or your voters card before being allowed access to markets, to board buses or to jump onto trains. My dad remembers that in the colonial days they were required to carry their Chitupa’s (Identification Books), and that they took great pleasure in burning them whenever they could. They burned at the stake of the colonial pyre. How quickly those days were forgotten as, ‘The Party and its Government’ took total control of Zambia, demanding obedience from its citizens. Zambians were left in no doubt that their freedoms and their livelihoods depended on their loyalty to the party. This was just part of KK’s insatiable demand to make everyone become uncompromisingly committed to His objectives. It is no wonder then that as many as one in five Zambians were either directly employed by State Intelligence or they were informers for State Intelligence.

Governments are always looking for someone to blame for their failures and for KK, the One-Party State and State or emergency provided the perfect vehicle with which to bring those that were considered enemies of the state to book. The sky rocketing food prices and resulting riots had to be blamed on someone. Corrruption and bribery was on the increase, and something tangible had to be done to appease the people, who were becoming ever more disenchanted with their lot. Clearly the millers, among others, were all greedy entrepreneurs that had to be investigated. The fact that the Government had removed food subsidies was irrelevant, they took the view that private enterprise should be ‘good Comrades’ and should absorb the additional cost of production themselves, all for the good of the Nation!

In his diaries, my dad recounts a press conference on the 20th February 1988, during which President Kaunda made serious charges of corruption against senior figures, including parastatal chiefs, whom he accused of among other things of aiding and abetting the black marketeers. In what was seen as a serious crackdown on rampant corruption, President Kaunda dismissed four parastatal chiefs ‘ In the national interest ‘, he suspended eleven others, and a further twenty were under investigation. In addition, the Special Investigations Team on Economy and Trade, SITET, was charged with the task of seizing all businesses accused of dealings in the black market. On the first day alone, following these pronouncements, sixty-six businesses were seized and their owners declared Enemies of the State. The President gave instructions that the businesses and all their assets must be seized, that the individuals themselves should have their property confiscated, and that they should be summarily detained if they were Zambians and deported if they were aliens. Police and paramilitary were detailed to guard these business premises while a search was done for cash and hoarded goods. This was all against the background of an earlier scandal at the Central Bank, in which the Deputy Governor among others were accused of various irregularities. They were dismissed and investigations ordered, but ultimately the public was none the wiser and no satisfactory solution resulted. Yes corruption was rife and controls had to be put in place to manage this. SITET had a role to play and indeed had many successes, but in the end it simply became yet another political tool to use against those seen as anti-Government.

What did we really expect? Did we really think that there could be any creativity, freedom of thought and positive exchange of ideas in an atmosphere is distrust, fear and overbearing State control. Party loyalty and not merit were the deciding factors when appointments were being handed out by KK. The solution of appointing preferred government figures, who had no skills to do the jobs they were being asked to do, could only have one result, failure. The appointees were all too aware that Kaunda would replace them without notice, if he decided that their loyalty was waning. So what did many of these parastatal chiefs do in this atmosphere of fear and recrimination? Of course, they made hay whilst the sun was still shining. Inevitably the parastatals ran inefficiently at best, and the substantial business empires that were confiscated from private hands collapsed, and the resulting loss of jobs and revenue was a National disaster.

Press Conferences have become events to be feared by those already in high flying government positions and events to look forward to by those hopeful of an appointment into the higher echelons of power. It is amusing to think that one of the first purchases made by top government officials and parastatal chiefs when they took office, was that of a radio, to be kept in the office in readiness for the dreaded press conference. Dad used to say that even in the prisons, detainees, political prisoners and those on death row were huddled around a radio when there was a press conference, hoping for a pardon or for their sentences to be commuted. It seems times have not changed that much in this regard. Press Conferences today are as much soap operas as they were in KK’s day, and as compelling listening as many of the popular TV soap operas and probably draw more listeners and viewers. I wonder what effect this has on business productivity during these pronouncements, after all life seems to come to a halt as all ears and eyes are glued to TV sets and radios up and down the country.

Are we witnessing the dawn of a new era, or is it just Deja vu?

Ssh…….Don’t Kubeba.

I have been working non-stop since May, since I moved back to Zambia, working two high-level jobs, and it’s really beginning to take it’s toll. Thankfully, it has yet to affect my decision-making, it might have slowed it down a bit, but I’m still managing to make decisions that work and are effective.

But where I’m beginning to slip is on the personal side. We tend to be a bit more lax when it comes to our personal life I suppose, we take too much for granted.

I’m happy with Mr Mature but… It’s nothing to do with him, it’s all me. It’s times like this when I wonder if I can be in a relationship. Maybe it’s because I am from a large family, maybe it’s because I was never the IT girl at school, maybe it’s because… I don’t know, but I’ve never been the one who stands out in the crowd. I never thought this really bothered me. I guess that’s the price you pay for excelling in your professional life (if I do say so myself), you focus so much on that one side and ignore that the personal side is slipping.

It was only when I started to question wanting more out of my life that I realised that actually, balance is really important in life. We can work as hard as we want to but if we can’t be special to at least one person, what are we doing it all for?

Don’t get me wrong, I get a lot of satisfaction from my work, maybe because it’s not all superficial but can hopefully impact someone’s life for the better, it has meaning to it. But let’s be honest, we all have an ego that we serve. Ok maybe ego isn’t the word I’m looking for. I’ve never felt that I needed to have a thanks for what I’ve done, or a pat on the back or whatever, in fact, I always thought that if you needed the thanks then you weren’t doing the ‘thing’ (work/good deed/whatever it was that culminated in a thanks) because you wanted to, because you got satisfaction out of doing it. But, like I’ve said before, when you are constantly giving – mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, etc – you find that you are actually giving of your soul. And if you think of your soul as a cup, you can’t keep emptying the cup without refilling it.

But getting back to being special to someone, isn’t this ultimately how we want to feel? The only problem with this is that you then look for something outside of yourself. When you look for something outside of your self, you are pretty much setting yourself up for failure.

I’m by no means being cynical about this, I just think that we can not find true happiness until we find it within ourselves. I don’t buy into this whole ‘you complete me’ thing, like we are incomplete without someone else. Yet, I do kind of understand it. Something in you sometimes feels like you’re missing something, or someone, maybe. Is this a real feeling?

I have definitely felt it. I fight it because I can’t control it, and it can make you feel lonely, and who wants to be lonely?

So when you meet someone who has lived a good part of his life without you, how do you add something it to make you special in his life? Though I guess the same could be said in the reverse… Sometimes I forget there are two people in a relationship, and both of you have to work at keeping each other happy, keep each other feeling special.

Well, developing this new area of my life, the area of attempting to be special in someone’s life, might be part of my quest to find my personal legend. We shall see – I’m being optimistic here!

(and the vulnerability of tiredness means your guard is lowered and you think about these things in more detail – setting yourself up to hurt and be sensitive!)

Zambia has its third party in power since we gain independence way back in 1964. After 20 years in power, the MMD passed the mantle on to the Patriotic Front. Some people jumped for joy, others held their breath in fear, and others still, said ‘we’ll see’.

I have to admit I was one of them holding my breath in fear. I thought that while PF had great ideas that the people wanted to see, there wasn’t really a realistic plan or way that I could see how this could be done and what that would mean for the development that the country was enjoying. Would his leadership take us forward or set us back? Was he playing to the crowd or truly believed what he was selling? And I’m not by any means an expert when it comes to politics or running a country, it’s just an interest of mine and some of the people I know. I enjoyed the conversations leading up to the elections when we would discuss politics and what the various parties were bringing to the table. There was definitely a party that stood out for most, but everyone said, not yet, his time will come in 2016. So it was left to debate the two biggest parties, and its fiercest rivals.

Coming from a family where the head has been involved in politics since pre-independence means that we have quite a lot of conversations around politics, as my dad gets older he discusses more, telling us of how the machines of power works behind closed doors. But what I get from him is how little of how politics works and what the constitution says that people know.

In the last few days that PF have been in power and President Sata has been in office, there have been some astounding decisions made, that for me seem worrying, and now I can fully understand why there is need to change the constitution. A president that is supposed to work for the people should never have absolute power.

People, especially the die hard PF supporters, are quick to brush off these concerns, saying that the ultimate decisions are good so what’s the problem. This used to be my belief too, I was all about the machiavellian principle of the end justifies the means, but now that I see this being done by the person who is leading my country, I’m not so sure.

And what are going to be the consequences of these decisions? To reverse the sale of a bank, to start investigating the sale of our telecommunications company – which by the way is working a lot better than it ever did when government owned it. How will this affect foreign investment? As much as I’d love Zambia to own its own companies, and its economy, the reality is that for us to develop, we do need foreign investors. Those investors should come in on our terms but we can’t scare them off just yet!

I think it’s great that the government wants to do as the people want, but appeasing people now should not be done at the expense of development in 5-10 years time. Same with this MMD/Rupiah Banda witch hunt, to what purpose? When I think about it, corruption that may have been happening in those upper echelons might have meant that we were less likely to find drugs in the hospitals, but so what, there weren’t drugs in there before RB’s government anyway! The corruption that affects me is of the police officers at roadblocks who use intimidation and fear to get you to pay them a bribe, or to get a job that you should be able to get on your own merit you have to pay someone a kick-back, that our processes are rife with inefficiencies that you pay someone to make whatever you need happen. Those are the areas that I want to see addressed. You get rid of the man at the top – i.e. the Inspector General – but no organisational-wide investigation or restructure, so what? And then you dissolve our Energy Regulation Board, and put together a commission to investigate it and its corruption and put someone on said commission who has ties to an oil company? hmmm ok.

And all of this is done before you’ve even had your cabinent or parliament sit and advise you? So why bother have a cabinent or parliament if you’re going to do whatever you want anyway?

I would answer those questions, but I have to admit that I have seen that there seems to be a vibe that suggests that people are scared to ask, let alone answer those questions. But that also begs me to ask, but why? This is the party the masses so desperately wanted, yet no one is asking the hard questions, they are probably talking about them amongst themselves but I haven’t seen any of these questions asked in the media. Not that our media is anything to go by really, nothing is particularly objective.

Anyway, I don’t want to be the negative one in all of this, I am being cautiously optimistic, but at the end of the day, if the country is being run by a bunch of septuagenarians who served not only in the previous government but the one from independence, how much change can we really expect?

Though I kind of went off topic, I really wanted to focus on how stimulating and refreshing our after dinner talks are with my father as he shares his political wisdom and views with us. And also some of the history of the country, history you can’t find in books anywhere. I’m inspired by my friend for sharing his blog on a part of our history that many younger kids don’t even know about, from the perspective of the impact on his life when his dad was sentenced to life in prison for his role in the attempted coup. I worry that if we don’t start capturing this history it will be lost, and while my dad won’t write a book (problem with being in intelligence and serving so closely to a president I guess), I do want to start recording these talks so that one day, we can share them and keep our history alive. The independence boys – the septuagenarians – are soon not going to be here to share this, and when they go, who will share our independence and rich history with the generations to come?