Yesterday I felt hurt. It’s not something that I often feel, or at least admit to feeling (must be a combination of hormones and lack of sleep). In the last seven, almost eight years, I’ve lived in London, I have felt prejudice and minor racial insults. You know the usual, ‘I didn’t recognize you because you’ve changed your hair’ kind of stuff – despite the fact that I am the only black girl in the team. I guess white people look the same when they change their hair, yet black people look completely different. Or is that just code for ‘all black people look the same’?
I’ve always brushed it off and not taken it too seriously, though I did make a mental note to ignore the person the next time if they insisted they hadn’t met me before. I was then accused of being aloof. Go figure right.
So anyway, yesterday, this woman who I’ve known for pretty much the entire almost 8 years I’ve been here, comes to the office bearing gifts for the whole team for a project we’d pulled off successful but guess who didn’t get a present? Yep, somehow I was forgotten. Not my team mates who only joined 18 months ago, but me. Ok, I suppose on top of being black, I am kind of aloof after all, so I guess you could be forgiven for not noticing me in the corner…
Still it hurt my feelings, it’s not nice not to be noticed. Little, brown girl in the corner.
I try not to let external validation affect me. My purpose in life is not to have other people tell me I’m great, I need to know and believe that myself. If we look for external validation we might never be happy. It also makes us forever unsure about our skills and accomplishments, leaving you feeling insecure and over critical or unappreciative of your successes.
But as I firmly believe, the universe provides your signs to show you your purpose and even validate your feelings, if you will. Recently I was feeling down. No matter how many wins I’d achieved, I didn’t feel it was enough, still felt not completely sure that I was good at what I was doing, or making any difference. Because I was looking for that external validation.
Then something happened. I opened up my facebook page for pretty much anyone to find me. I had a whole bunch of people I didn’t know requesting me as a friend, I thought most of them were requesting me because of my MTV affiliation. Imagine my surprise when a good number of them sent me a message saying how much they admired my sisters and I, how we really changed their life with Trendsetters.
I was honestly overwhelmed. We hadn’t published Trendsetters in a good three or four years, yet people still remembered it and regarded it highly. It was Zambia’s first publication for young people and unlike some of the stuff out there today, we weren’t trying to tear anyone down but uplift a generation of young people. We profiled positive young role models and provided inspiration to young people to encourage them to aspire for greatness and to protect themselves by not contracting HIV. The magazine was informative, yet educational.
I couldn’t believe after all these years and my many years at MTV, people still valued the work I did when I was 18!
This wasn’t the main decision that made me look deeper to find my personal legend, but it did help me stop and take stock.
I’d spent many years looking for this external validation, when it was in me all along. I knew I could be successful at anything I put my mind too. But I also knew that my family and helping people be better were the things I cared about the most. I could achieve part of this at MTV, but to do both, would require some changes. So, the first part of my journey was to make the conscious, yet painful decision, to leave MTV. Having handed in my resignation, makes the unknown both scary and exciting.
I’m happy to be on this journey though, as deep down, I know it’s time I put me first and find my way, with my family around me.
3 comments
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February 4, 2011 at 8:10 am
vwambanji
I hear you loud and clear, and happy trendsetters still rocks and made such an impact. Was glad to be a part of it. Stay strong and God bless. Will be joinin you in Zed pretty soon.
February 8, 2011 at 5:58 am
Natasha
Trendsetters had such an impact on so many people’s lives and I think we are truly blessed to have been able to reach so many people. Just the other day we received a letter from a faithful Trendsetters reader, wondering what happened to it….and this is a frequent occurence. Being back in Zambia and after having stepped away from the youth reproductive health scene for the past 4 years, I realise how much is lacking – its like everybody has ignored this amazing group of people..whatever happened to the sayings such as the young people represent a “window of opportunity”… now most HIV or SRH priorities have moved to alcohol and HIV, MCP and HIV or PMTCT and safe motherhood. I think these are important priorities but lets not neglect the young people who still represent, in my mind, our greatest resource to combat HIV and the other social detriments we have in the country…it saddens me but also makes me realise, we need to step up and not leave our young brothers and sisters behind…who is speaking to them now, I wonder….
September 1, 2011 at 9:30 pm
natasha
Wow! That so incoraging. Mary en sisters you guys are awesome trandsetters was the best ever in zed pliiiiz bring it back. Am a hug fun of it.