As I get older people keep asking me ‘Don’t you want to settle down? And/Or have children?’. My honest response is ‘I don’t know’. My ‘happily’ married friends with kids don’t understand this – allegedly having kids complete you. But I genuinely don’t know. I’ve been single for so long and am finally content with the idea that being single is ok, that I don’t know if I’d like to trade it in for a settled, committed relationship. I admit that occasionally I do think it would be nice to snuggle up to someone on those days that are particularly tough and just have that person whose shoulder you can lean on when the going does get tough. It is hard being superwoman all the time. Sometimes I do think it would be nice to have the Clyde to my Bonnie (not in the criminal sense though).

But on the downside, I always think of the hurt and pain you feel when you fall for someone and they break your heart. No one likes feeling rejected. I do always get up and brush myself off, so rarely do people know that I’m hurting. So every time I meet someone I’m slightly wary, not wanting to get hurt. Recently I let my guard down. I’ll call him Mr X. I’d met Mr X a few years ago but never really paid him no mind, not really sure why, I guess it was such a brief encounter at the time.

This time round we got to spend some time together and had a lot of fun, he made me smile. Though he’s physically attractive (ok hot) he made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He made an effort, and just made me feel… wanted. It had been a while since anyone made me feel that special. I really didn’t want to fall for him, it was complicated, least not because I was leaving the country, or rather, the continent.

It’s not so much that I fell for him, but I definitely waited expectantly (if it was an M&B I’d say with bated breath) for him to text me – hey calls abroad are expensive – or for his email. But at the back of my mind I knew it was just a matter of time… Less time than I’d thought. It was totally understandable but it didn’t stop that sinking feeling at the pit of your stomach. It also knocks your confidence and leaves you thinking, ‘why me?’. Or even, ‘was I played?’, which is even worse, no one likes to think they’ve been played. I don’t have the best relationship history so of course these thoughts always cross my mind, though sometimes it really is a case of wrong timing. Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though.

I know people always say you have to take the risk of getting your heart-broken to find true love but I’m kind of happy avoiding that altogether and just having fun as a single, flirty, young woman.

As for babies? Well, I’m not sure I want to lose my body. Yep, I’m kind of vain. I also don’t know if I’m ready to change my lifestyle to fit in a baby, can’t they fit into my lifestyle? Not that I’m that self-centered…

I think I don’t mind the idea of being pregnant – there’s something very fascinating about the idea of carrying a life in you – it seems like some weird concept. But… I don’t know…

Anyway, today has made me think a lot about these issues and I’m still stumped. Maybe it’s just the fear of it all. Being, single, and free to mingle, is something I’m comfortable with, so it makes it easier for me to stay that way. But I’m not cynical, or bitter, and I do believe at some point I’ll settle down… eventually.

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