I have been quite surprised with myself lately. After I found out that the process to get my car from the UK to Lusaka had gone terrible wrong and was going to cost me at least £2000 over my initial budget, I didn’t have my usual tantrum and crying session. I simply shrugged my shoulders and parted with the cash I didn’t actually have.

When I saw all the work that a family friend had commissioned to someone else when my company could easily have done it, I shrugged my shoulders, ok maybe had a bitch fest about the errors of the finished product and then moved on.

When the man I’m going on dates with cancelled on me at the last minute with hardly an explanation or an apology, I shrugged my shoulders, headed home to a glass of wine and an episode of Law and Order SVU.

When my co-directors showed up to work three hours late, I shrugged and made a cup of tea.

None of it seemed worth getting my knickers in a twist, after all, as I told myself, ‘what can I do?’

At first I thought I had grown by taking this mature attitude of taking getting upset – trying not to sweat the little things – and was ok with that. But after about a week of this attitude I actually begin questioning it and realised that actually I was upset, I was just so upset that I didn’t even know how to be angry.

I remembered a therapist once said that depression was latent anger, or unresolved anger. I’m not saying that I’m depressed but I am saying that my anger is manifesting in different ways, for example, picking a fight on Facebook for no apparent reason, the snide remarks that are unnecessary, and of course my meltdown at Nandos! lol.

So while I’m trying to let go and not let all these things upset me – because really, on the grand scale of things, is it really that big a deal? – but it is hard, as I’m used to the tightly-wound lifestyle of London, as opposed to this whole, ‘let it go, it’s ok ba sister, it will be done tomorrow’ attitude in zambia.

The wine helps deal with it all, but as my mum has now decided that I have a drinking problem (because I have about 2 glasses a day), I’ll have to cut back on that to give her some peace! Guess it’s back to the gym then – not bad after my over-indulgence in food that tastes like food.

I realised that acknowledging that I’m angry is better than pretending that all is ok. I do want to have the attitude of not sweating the small stuff, but I also have to be true to myself and maybe get back in touch with who I am as a person and be ok with that. Or I could just need a break, working two high pressured jobs can be exhausting and easily make you feel like giving up the fight!

I think i need to do something that makes me happy – I’m going to take a gander on the Jimmy Choo site…

Advertisements