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I spend a lot of time reflecting – it’s in my nature – but probably also because I’m always agonizing over my future, my past, and my present. Trying to figure out how to be better, how to be bigger, how to be smaller (in weight) and what it is I want out of my life. Sometimes it disturbs me that at my age (30 something) I still question my life goals.
‘Be still’, a friend told me. If you know me, you’d know that’s the worst thing anyone could say to me – I am that girl who is always on the move. Be still? What does that mean? If I’m still, I’m asleep – I fall asleep in yoga!
Nah, being still wasn’t for me. But I thought I’d take a break, go visit some friends and get energized. I couldn’t afford the trip to New York (where I usually go for energy), neither financially nor time wise. Lagos it was! People thought I was crazy – why on earth would you go to Lagos on holiday? Clearly they hadn’t heard Banky W’s anthem, ‘ain’t no party like a Lagos party…’
My girlfriend and I hopped on an ET flight via Addis to Lagos. By the way, why does it cost so much to fly inter-continental? My airfare to London is cheaper! Anyway, off to Lagos we went. In my inability to Be Still, I added a couple of business related meetings into the trip.
I was in Lagos for a week, I partied, I drank, I ate, I lounged, but I never felt I was inspired.
I came back to Lusaka, feeling rested, but restless (who knew you could feel both at the same time?). Contracts for new work weren’t signed, relationship drama, it was just making me stressed again.
Be Still, my friend said. I had no choice at this point. I had issues to resolve and without being still I couldn’t hear through the noise – the noise included social media, people’s perceptions, my childhood beliefs, and more.
So I sat alone, in my room, unable to sleep, as sometimes happens when I have too much going on, too much stress, too much uncertainty. And I was still. In my stillness I first realized I had a great time in Lagos, and I was inspired. I met up with a woman I greatly admired – Biola Alabi, whom I first met when we were at DISCOP in Ghana together like 7 or 8 years ago. Her candor and knowledge about her work, about the industry we both work in was so inspiring me – and she’s absolutely beautiful. She reminded me what a strong, successful, happy black woman looks like – the kind of woman I want to be.
I thought about my friends out there – hanging out with them, having new experiences that spoke to me, made me acknowledge that there are people out there that enjoy spending time with you, sharing with you, and just staying connected. I met new people, working in diverse industries – like oil and gas – learning about their focus, their growth, their success and how they chose to live their lives, being happy, and social with friends.
I met up with old friends – people I worked with at MTV in London years ago, and still shared a connection with – plotting how we can work together again. Learning about their journeys post MTV, and feeding off their energy and drive. On the flip side there were also some people that showed me they didn’t have the time of day for me – it’s interesting to see how people perceive or treat you when they can’t see what they can tangibly get from you, especially since I’m no longer at MTV. It was an aha moment, but I wasn’t bothered for too long. The entertainment industry is fickle – I get that, understanding where the longevity lies, where the real power is was way more interesting for me.
In that moment, I realized that Lagos inspired me more than I thought. Not only inspired me, but taught me a lot. Lessons were compounded a few days after I arrived back in Lusaka, while having dinner with girlfriends – a bunch of successful, strong, beautiful women. Though I had maybe one bottle of champagne too many (champagne hangovers are the worst, think I’ll stick to wine or vodka now), I enjoyed every minute of being around like minded people who allowed you to just be you. We weren’t worried about taking the best selfies to post on IG, or tweeting our night out.
I went back to think on the last week and the ups and downs I’d had from before going to Lagos, to Lagos, to being back in Lusaka. My phone camera being broken definitely allowed me to be present, but during my moment of being still, I realized that my best moments, not to mention my worst, have never been lived out on social media (at least not in the last few years). Yes, we can look at some amazing photos on Instagram that make us envious of people’s lives, but we don’t know the real story behind the photos.
When we are still, it’s easier to remember who you are as a person, what you value, what grounds you, and even the clarity of what we want in life starts to appear. I haven’t completely figured it out yet but definitely will be still more often now, and be grateful for all I have, for the people in my life, and for the experiences I’ve been blessed to have. So my advice to you all, be still every once in a while – life demands it.
I woke up this morning to a message from a friend of mine ‘You have to watch Survivor’s Remorse SO3E08, it’s the one!’.
Thankfully for me I’d taken a much needed day off, so was easy enough to watch it immediately.
The last few episodes of Survivors Remorse have been so enlightening, dealing with important issues such as colorism, circumcision etc, in such a way that reminds me why I want to create content. So I was eager to watch this episode.
I watched the entire episode wondering where the amazing message or insightful commentary was going to come in. I didn’t get it, they were just negotiating a contract. Being an entrepreneur – and so is the said friend – I thought the message was on how to negotiate a contract, how your kind deeds are remembered for positive negotiations etc. (It is kind of true). I got to the end and then had the ‘aha’ moment.
There were great nuggets of insight in the negotiation process, but the biggest were self worth and trust.
The last few months have really tested my belief in myself and what we (my siblings and I) set out to do. I found myself angrier than usual at everything. We met people that we thought would be great to join our team and they turned the jobs down. I took it personally. Did they not know how much they would learn? Did they not know the fantastic work we get to do, even if it’s not always publicly visible? I was crushed.
In the meantime the online views on my talkshow were getting lower each week. I couldn’t understand it, but I was also focussed on how to push my main business forward. I just couldn’t focus on the talkshow at that point, but it was equally crushing that it didn’t seem to be resonating the way I would have liked it too. Didn’t help that a few days later I met someone who purposely sought me out to tell me everything that was wrong with my show. Don’t get me wrong, I can take constructive criticism, but there was just too many other things going on – you know that quote about being nice to people because you don’t know what they’re going through, at that point, I truly understood what it meant. I thought I was at my breaking point.
That experience taught me something. As much as I’m critical of celebrating mediocrity, and boy is there a lot of mediocrity in Zambia, you have to respect the effort, and remember most people are doing things with small budgets and doing things with no experience, in industries that are in infancy stages. While I hope they know it can be better, I know and understand how tough it can be to chase your dreams, especially in this environment.
But back to Survivors Remorse. The episode reminded me to remember how much I have achieved and that while I still have a ways to go to where I’m trying to get, I can’t lose focus on my path. People, circumstances and more, will come into your life to test you, but when you reconnect with who you truly are, embrace your greatness, all of that is water off a duck’s back.
You have to believe in yourself. Not because no one else does, but because so many people, people you may not even know, believe in you, are watching you, are rooting for you. Your actions do enable others to walk through the doors you open, to follow their own dreams. But it all starts with you believing in yourself first. Use that inner strength to weather the bad storms, because it is true, the darkest hour really is before the dawn (or after the rain, the sun comes out), learn to dance in the rain and ride out the storm (OK, I’ve thrown in pretty much every cliche I can think of, but it’s true, and I can’t emphasis this point anymore!). You don’t need anyone to validate you, you are enough. If your regular cheerleaders aren’t around, be your own cheerleader!
So no matter what you might be going through, don’t break, but do take time to regroup, recalibrate and remember your goals. Namaste (I bow to the divine in you)
Life throws us lemons, we’ve all had that moment where the lemons came at a time you least expected it. Maybe there was more going on than you could handle. They say when life throws you lemons you should make lemonade (or margaritas as I prefer), but sometimes you can’t figure out how to make the lemonade… or quite frankly, you don’t want to.
Sometimes it’s easier to just wallow in the misery, but the reality is that it doesn’t really help. Sure it’s nice in the moment, you feel sorry for yourself, lie under the duvet watching bad day time TV and adding lemon concentrate to your vodka and tonic, or whatever your poison might be. But nothing good can come from this.
And then you look around you, who is there to support you when the lemons are coming at you? The people who surround you should be your cheerleaders and lift you up. If the people around you don’t have your best interest, they won’t be here for you now and you need to know it’s ok to cut them off. Ok maybe it’s not that simple. When I say cut them off, I mean just know what they’re there for – they don’t have your back, and they don’t need to. And that’s ok. You came into the world alone. It’s not nice to be alone, it’s lonely. It’s scary, and it’s kinda depressing. But it makes you have to trust yourself and rely on your self. Nothing makes you stronger than realising you have to go through the good and the bad by yourself. It’s obviously better when you have someone you can trust and share your fears with, but not everyone is blessed with that. And focusing on that can be just as upsetting as the lemons you’re already dealing with.
So back to the option of a duvet day. It’s not a great idea. But don’t be so hard on yourself. Take each day as it comes. Day one can be a duvet, wallow in my own misery day. Day two, you get up, get dressed, and show up. When we start looking at things differently we start seeing options. And that’s really what makes lemons into lemonades, seeing the options that you have.
Once you realise you have options, you realise it’s not that bad after all. In those dark hours, it really does seem hopeless and that there is no way out, but after the rain the sun does come out, you just have to weather it out.
I also find that at these times exercise and focusing on something completely different will help your mood.
(I do write these blogs based on my own experiences and what I go through, so that my experiences and the lessons I learn will help others, and I think voicing out what I feel, helps me reflective, learn, and move on).
I write because it helps me express myself and how I’m feeling. Sometimes it’s easier than other times. I feel the challenge of being a Type A person – which I’ve never particularly thought of myself as being. Yes I’m fiercely ambitious and can (occasionally) be an over-achiever, and yes success (of the financial kind) is top of my list, and some people may call me a workaholic, or work obsessed, but I guess because nothing I do do I ever think is good enough, I’ve never considered myself Type A. Though coming to think of it, isn’t that the very reason why I probably am Type A? Constantly pushing myself to be better?
Anyway, my point was the last couple of weeks have been particularly challenging for me. Working in Zambia is probably not the best place to work if you have a Type A personality. The work ethics aren’t on the same point, there is not much of a go-getter attitude and really hard work isn’t actually valued or rewarded. In fact looking around – and I’d say thanks to the media (well they are the eyes and ears of the people) – there aren’t many examples of how hard work, drive, ambition and dreams can turn into success, wealth and personal growth/satisfaction. Instead we have examples of how doing the least amount of work and a poor attitude can get you by, and in some cases also succeed (though those examples are marred with potential corruption and scandal and other unworthy characteristics).
So it’s easy to understand why a company, despite how long you have worked with them, despite how much business you have thrown their way, to still treat you with disrespect and try to con you in some way or another. The attitude of ‘I don’t care if I lose your future business because I’m going to exploit you today to make a killing’. The saying a bird in hand is worth two in the bushes is totally lost on business in Zambia – from my experience that applies to both small and large businesses.
Also the limiting ourselves nature of people. When did we stop dreaming? Where is the can do mentality? Initially I found it amusing when one of our employees couldn’t say where they wanted to be in five years, then I thought that maybe it was because they didn’t want to tell us if their plan was to move on. But the more I talk to people, the more I observe people, the more I realise that loads of people don’t have a plan past today – and that’s probably to get home to some food and TV.
I have big dreams that I can’t limit just because of my gender, or my age, or the country I’m in, that’s ridiculous. From the age of 10 I started dreaming that I wanted to win an Oscar (best film and best director), I may not have that dream anymore, but I never thought because I was a girl born and living in Zambia that it wasn’t possible. My dreams may have changed, but they’re still big. And therein lies my problem.
My loyalties mean that I don’t want to leave anyone behind as I continue to move forward in my life (read career), but what happens when you feel those very people are holding you back? You feel as I do, a condition prone to Type A personalities (so I read), and that’s stress and depression. And if you dig further (ok do more google searches) you realise that depression is simply latent anger, which could be a result of frustration (that part I’m guessing).
And then it makes me think. Is it that there are no dreamers, or ambitious people in Zambia? Or did the frustration and challenges around them kill them? To be honest I can see why getting home to food and TV can be a hell of a lot easier and comforting than constantly working against the tide.
We’ll see how this chapter plays out.
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